Is it just me or there’s indeed a growing number of people who chose not to get married and have children? Even a random Uber driver (Mr. Kim) we met in Korea has the same sentiments.
On our 15-minute drive from Myeongdong to our Airbnb, Kim told us that his 33-year-old (only) son doesn’t want to marry.
“Why is that?” I asked.
“I am not entirely sure.” He said. “This is something new to me, but I think it’s for economic reasons.” He continued. His cheerful aura began to fade as he continued to share about his son’s chosen path toward the unmarried life.
In case you’re wondering, no I don’t speak Korean. Or at least, not yet. But of the many drivers we had, Mr. Kim was the only one who could speak decent English. Nevertheless, he isn’t the only person who I have talked to about this subject lately. I can name several people in my circle who chose not to get married, nor have children.
Based on observation, you can divide these people into two groups. The first group are the ones who chose not to have a family of their own simply because they don’t want to. The truth is, not all people are called to marriage and parenthood. The other half of the group are the ones who want to get married, who want to have children, but chose not to for practical reasons.
If you belong to the second group, please grab a chair. Let’s process this together like what my friend (let’s call him Andrew) and I did.
Counting The Cost Of Marriage And Parenthood.
Andrew is a long-time friend, and he is now an architect. He’s been in a relationship with Anne for five years. They were in their mid-thirties when I had a conversation with Andrew over dinner.
“How’s life with children?” Andrew asked.
“I love it.” I replied, then slapped a plate of raw beef strips on the grill.
“How about you?” I asked. “Any plans of starting a family?”
The beef sizzled and blanketed our space at the corner of the restaurant with a mouthwatering charred aroma.
“You know what bro, I think I’m ready to start a family with Anne,” he replied.
I grabbed the tongs and clipped a few cooked beef strips to his plate. “That’s great, so when is the proposal?!” I jokingly asked.
“That’s the thing bro, I think I am ready emotionally. But financially? That’s a different story.” He said.
“Have you seen the cost of getting married these days?!” He continued.
“I went to a wedding yesterday. I heard they spent more than two million pesos!”
“And let’s not even dare talk about having kids. The last time I checked, parents are estimated to spend around ten million pesos to raise a child to adulthood.”
Andrew gulped down a shot of Soju, and said, “Jed, I really wanted to have my own family. But I don’t think it’s even practical to have one these days.”
Do you relate to Andrew? I’ve talked to several people who share the same struggle. One told me that his main issue is inflation. He said he doesn’t like to get into something that isn’t sustainable. He’s apprehensive about his capacity to support his family in ten years because of the rising costs. Another friend shared that he plans to have three kids. Yet, he believes it’s wiser to spend thirty million on his real estate business and vacations rather than on kids.
The Art Of Walking On A Tightrope.
“As a man, I get it.” I told Andrew. “Life today can feel like walking on a tightrope. Every step is costly, and we’re not even sure if we’ll make it to the other side in one piece. Who in their right mind would add more weight to such a dangerous act?”
“Exactly!” Andrew exclaimed.
I leaned in and placed my hand on Andrew’s shoulder. “But as a husband and dad, I think we might be seeing it the wrong way.”
Have you heard of Freddy Nock? He is a real-life tightrope walker who holds the record for “the highest tightrope walk.” In 2015, he walked 347 meters between two Swiss mountain peaks. Despite being 1,100 feet in the air, he traversed the rope for 39 minutes without a safety net and harness. If that’s not risky enough, he even crossed the peaks carrying a twenty-foot pole weighing at least thirty pounds!
Now, you might think Freddy is out of his mind. Who would carry a pole longer than a car while walking on a rope as wide as your thumb without any safety gear? A background in physics would show that the pole’s weight will keep his feet in contact with the rope, while its length will prevent him from tipping over. This is the art of walking on a tightrope. It’s a defiance of common sense. It’s strange, but it is true, what we see as a burden is actually Freddy’s key to success.
“I see where you’re getting at,” Andrew said. “Are you saying that marriage and parenthood are similar to that pole?” “Although many perceive them as cumbersome loads to our journey, they are, in fact, crucial components to our success?”
“You said it perfectly.” I replied.
Marriage And Parenthood As Pre-requisites To Success.
“But how does this even apply in real life?” Andrew asked.
Six months into marriage, everything I worked for fell apart. Due to reckless decisions, my business crashed and burned, taking all my savings down with it. I was buried under a mountain of debt while suffocating in bills that are impossible to pay. (What a fantastic way to kick off our happily ever after, wouldn’t you say?) It took me seven grueling years to claw my way out of the pit. As I look back, I don’t think I could ever recover without Lalaine and the kids.
1. Marriage: The power of two in achieving goals.
“It’s not good for a man to be alone.” God said in Genesis 2. So He gave him a suitable helper, a woman, his wife. God designed marriage to make your life easier because you now have someone to help you, so to speak.
In The Millionaire Mind, Thomas Stanley surveyed 1,000 millionaires and found that over 90% are married. In fact, most of them didn’t become wealthy until they married their spouses. The study presented a correlation that building wealth has something to do with husband-and-wife teamwork. They believe that having a supportive spouse is one of the top factors toward economic success.
In 2021, Lalaine and I started pursuing a goal that seemed impossible to achieve. Our income doesn’t look so good, and we’re still inching our way out of debt. The plan was to take the kids to Super Nintendo World, Osaka by 2023. It was a mental hiccup we took seriously during the pandemic so we’ll have something to look forward to. But even if the target looked bleak, it boosted our productivity and sharpened our husband-and-wife teamwork.
We hustled, saved everything we could, and cut back on anything we didn’t need. It was a grind! But by the end of 2022, we could already smell Kobe beef and hear those Super Mario theme songs playing in the background! What started as a crazy dream was now within our grasp. “We were actually going to do it!” I told Lalaine.
Unfortunately, things went south by February 2023, as I was diagnosed with Vestibular Neuritis. This viral condition destroyed our momentum by keeping me in bed for 9 months. “We are still short of the budget we need to make the trip. I don’t think we can go to Japan this year.” I said. But my wife pressed on. She told me to “hold her beer” by carrying every load I couldn’t carry that year. Fast-forward to November 9, 2023, we celebrated her birthday at Kinopio’s Café in Super Nintendo World.
“The truth is, Freddy is one gush of wind away from falling off the tightrope,” I told Andrew. “One misstep and his life could be over. I don’t care how much money you’ve saved; a health issue or a poor decision can ruin everything you’ve worked for. Having someone to carry you (or at least be there with you) during the trying times will help keep your feet in contact with the ground, and move forward.“
2. Parenthood: The crucible for personal growth.
“How about having kids?” Andrew asked.
95% of the married millionaires I mentioned earlier have kids. The average number of children is three. Most of them believe that having a family complements – not competes with the process of getting wealthy. The reason perhaps is that family life helps us build character. In his survey, Thomas Stanley asked the millionaires what they think are the essential factors for getting wealthy. This is the result:
The Top Elements Of Financial Success
- Being honest with all people. (Integrity)
- The ability to control your impulses, stick to your plans, and make sacrifices in the short term for long-term goals. (Discipline)
- Getting along with people. (Social skills)
- Having a supportive spouse. (Family)
- Time, effort, and dedication. (Hard work)
- Living below means. (Frugality)
- The ability to bounce back from adversity. (Resiliency)
With this data, we can submit a case that building wealth is less about what we do, and more about who we become. It is less about the result of our work, and more of a by-product of personal growth.
Jim Rohn said, “If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everybody, it would soon be back in the same pockets it was before.” Why? Because rich people have already acquired the experience, knowledge, and behavior to be wealthy. It’s only a matter of time when money flows back their way. The same is true to those people who still lack character. Money will trickle away from them until they develop the necessary attributes to be affluent.
If you intend to become financially successful, focus on your personal growth. And what better way to accelerate maturity than raising children? In his book, Parenting, Paul David Tripp presented the idea that as parents train their kids, they are also in return being trained by them. Parenting is a powerful driving force for personal growth. While it brings immense joy and fulfillment, it also presents a unique set of challenges that push individuals to develop and mature in ways they might never have anticipated.
Parents, wouldn’t you agree that raising children has stretched your limits? Wouldn’t you say that it somehow made you a little more patient and responsible than before?
Becoming a dad reshaped me in many ways only because I wish to be a good example to my kids. It’s unnatural for me to be frugal, to work hard, nor to delay gratification. I know because that’s the reason I got into so much debt. But I’m at a point today where I can comfortably manage our expenses, save for the future, and even indulge in a few luxuries without worry. My economic well-being is incomparably better with my wife and kids than when I was by myself.
3. Favor: Experiencing God’s provision in family life.
December 2016 was the end of our first trimester. It was also the month when we announced to our families that we were pregnant with our first baby. Gifts poured in, covering almost all we need to care for a child based on our check-list. Baby clothes? Check. Diapers? Check. Toiletries? Check. We even got a stroller, and a plethora of baby bottles that can feed our newborn until he’s a teenager.
The following month we went to a mommy fair hoping to strike a deal for a breast pump. Of course, the first thing we did was sign up for the raffle. We were dreaming of winning a fancy new pump, but instead, we scored another baby bottle. “Seriously?” I groaned to Lalaine. “Another bottle? We’re practically swimming in bottles! A pack of diapers would’ve been way more useful.”
Five months later, I found myself eating my words. Joab arrived five weeks early, a tiny infant barely larger than a regular iPad. He was so fragile, so delicate, that he couldn’t even latch onto Lalaine for feeding. We tried every bottle we had. Ironically, the only way he could take milk was from that very bottle we had won at the fair.
This is just one of many stories that come to mind when the waves of family life threaten to overwhelm me. Let’s be real, raising a family is hard. There are days when the noise is deafening, the demands are endless, and the challenges seem insurmountable. But then I remember those moments of unexpected grace, those times when a simple baby bottle becomes a symbol of hope in the midst of chaos. Who would have planned for a premature baby? Yet, Someone has already prepared the bottle that will feed our child before he was even born.
Freddy Nock may have all the necessary tools and exceptional skills to walk the tightrope. But I can imagine as he steps onto that slender thread suspended high above the crowd, a silent prayer would still escape his lips, hoping for a higher power to guide him.
I’m reminded that we’re not alone in this journey. As the proverb says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” God is a pro-family God, walking beside us, providing for our needs in remarkable ways. I’m blessed to experience this truth firsthand. It’s in those moments of surrender and trust that we discover the true strength and beauty of family life.
Closing thoughts
It’s been a year since Andrew and I spoke. We both got busy, and weren’t able to catch up with one another until a few weeks ago. I was surprised to learn that he and Anne were no longer together. Apparently, he was on the verge of proposing, but decided to prioritize his career instead. “I’m choosing the good life, bro,” he’d said before we hung up.
Andrew’s choice of words was interesting. “The good life.” What does that even mean? Strangely, I felt like I could grasp what he was saying. There are days, when the pole becomes too heavy that I catch myself wondering: would life be easier, and happier, if it were just me? Less worry, fewer expenses; more time, more energy, and perhaps, more achievements.
I’m currently studying Mandarin and I came across the word “good” (好). What’s fascinating about this character is that it’s a combination of the words “woman” (女) and “child” (子). There are a variety of interpretations for the construction of the word, yet none of them relate to money, career, or possessions.
“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels,” says Proverbs 31:10. And in Psalm 127:3-5, we read, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!”
Both the Chinese character and the verses we read are powerful reminders that true goodness and treasures of life are found not in fleeting material wealth, but in the enduring bonds of family.
